It is January, y’all! Yeah! And if you are like 332,968,221 other people (give or take), you are back at the gym! Yay! Good for you! Seriously, we mean it (we are one very serious long distance athlete, one very consistent gym and yoga studio attendee, and one slightly chubby mom who wishes she was at the gym right this very minute! so we want to see you there!). It’s your New Year’s Resolution (which you did NOT share, because you know HTFAR, right?!) to lose weight, get fit, get toned, get … something. Some of you might not be gym regulars, so we’re here to help you out with our top 7 rules of gym etiquette.
1. First and f*!king foremost,
DO NOT BODY SHAME.
No matter what. We don’t care if he is 612 pounds, pulled up in a mother f*!king rascal and is wearing a fuchsia thong. Body shaming is just not HTFAR. Everyone is at the gym for the same reason, self-improvement of some sort (well, almost everyone, see rule 2) and we all have to start somewhere. And btw, who do you think you are? A f*!king Victoria’s Secret Angel? Oh! You are! Well, even still, remember Dani Mathers (a great example of someone who does NOT know HTFAR)? If you can’t get behind common decency, maybe you can get behind not having to remove graffiti for a month.
Look, it’s not cool. It’s rude, it’s mean, it is just not basic decency. And really, you don’t know this person and their struggles. Have some f*!king empathy, and the basic bottom of the barrel amount of class.
2. Go to workout. Seriously, put on shoes, wear workout gear, and f*!king go there to sweat. You can have a secondary reason (finish that chapter, look at some toned booties, escape your husband, whatever, we don’t f*!kig care), but go to the gym to workout (unless you are currently homeless and are using your gym as a place to shower, in which case, get it girl! and we are sending you some serious positive vibes). One of the most annoying type of person is the gym rat who doesn’t actually do anything but saunter about the gym, “checking in” and “spotting” the other members. F*!king break a sweat!
3. Don’t get on the bike/ treadmill/ stairclimber/ who cares what machine right next to someone if the next five in a row are empty, unless you know the person. Or they asked. Or you have a bona fide reason, like you have been making eyes at each other for a while (but be sure! we will most definitely write a “don’t be the guy that thinks he knows she’s making eyes at him” post at some point. Who the f*!k knows when. Not us! We don’t have an editorial calendar).
Yes, it’s January. This rule doesn’t apply. It is busy at your gym. There are back to back to back treadmills with waiting lists. But, you made a resolution and you are sticking to it, right? RIGHT?! So, come January 27th, pick a treadmill with distance. It’s just HTFAR.
3. Don’t shame people for being late to the workout. Because, you know what? They did not want to be late. They would rather be chililn on their mat, five minutes early, being present for the class. But, life f*!king happened and the conference call or babysitter ran late, a whiny child held onto a soon to be toned leg for too long, traffic was at a stand still, honestly, who the f*!k knows, but trust us. The list goes on. And on. So, just forgive. Or better yet, don’t even notice. It is better for both of you.
4. Clean your damn machine. Public health is EVERYONE’S responsibility. Seriously, it is. You never get sick? Yeah, me neither, achoo, achoo, f*!k you.
Good for you, amazing job keeping your immune system in tip top shape. You are still carrying around bugs and viruses and bacteria and your own specific type of grossness. And btw, not everyone has your immune system. Be grateful, be thoughtful. And really, don’t be an dumbass.
5. No photography. Because why? It’s the f*!king gym. Are you taking a picture of someone else? Why? See rule #1. Are you taking a selfie? Cccccccccc’mmmmmmmonnnnn! Seriously? We aren’t even going to write about this. At least not now, anyway. (Sounds like a future post might be necessary).
5. Sexual grunting and sighing during yoga is just not allowed. Just no. Gross. It is f*!king offensive that we even have to write this.
6. And speaking of yoga, don’t join the class (yoga, or any other) if you’re gonna do a crossword puzzle (true story), do some sort of interpretive dance (true story), or makeout with your partner (true story), chit chat the whole time (true story), or basically do anything but the class. You are in the class to do the class, so do it. Anything else is distracting to the other class members and rude to the instructor. Do your crossword puzzle in the locker room.
7. Still speaking of yoga, people fart, get over it. And burp. And queef. And a lot of other things, we presume. Just get over it. And if the person that farted giggles, giggle with them, in solidarity, ya know!
Just be cool. That’s it. If you wouldn’t do it in life, don’t do it at the gym. If it isn’t respectful in life, it isn’t respectful at the gym. F*!king act right.
Have we missed anything? Probably. What annoys you about your fellow gym goers? We’d love to know. And maybe there will be a part 2.