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Top 7 Rules of Gym Etiquette

By on January 24, 2018
HTFAR at the Gym

It is January, y’all! Yeah! And if you are like 332,968,221 other people (give or take), you are back at the gym! Yay! Good for you! Seriously, we mean it (we are one very serious long distance athlete, one very consistent gym and yoga studio attendee, and one slightly chubby mom who wishes she was at the gym right this very minute! so we want to see you there!). It’s your New Year’s Resolution (which you did NOT share, because you know HTFAR, right?!) to lose weight, get fit, get toned, get … something. Some of you might not be gym regulars, so we’re here to help you out with our top 7 rules of gym etiquette.

1. First and f*!king foremost,

DO NOT BODY SHAME. 

No matter what. We don’t care if he is 612 pounds, pulled up in a mother f*!king rascal and is wearing a fuchsia thong. Body shaming is just not HTFAR. Everyone is at the gym for the same reason, self-improvement of some sort (well, almost everyone, see rule 2) and we all have to start somewhere. And btw, who do you think you are? A f*!king Victoria’s Secret Angel? Oh! You are! Well, even still, remember Dani Mathers (a great example of someone who does NOT know HTFAR)? If you can’t get behind common decency, maybe you can get behind not having to remove graffiti for a month.

Look, it’s not cool. It’s rude, it’s mean, it is just not basic decency. And really, you don’t know this person and their struggles. Have some f*!king empathy, and the basic bottom of the barrel amount of class.

2. Go to workout. Seriously, put on shoes, wear workout gear, and f*!king go there to sweat. You can have a secondary reason (finish that chapter, look at some toned booties, escape your husband, whatever, we don’t f*!kig care), but go to the gym to workout (unless you are currently homeless and are using your gym as a place to shower, in which case, get it girl! and we are sending you some serious positive vibes). One of the most annoying type of person is the gym rat who doesn’t actually do anything but saunter about the gym, “checking in” and “spotting” the other members. F*!king break a sweat!

3. Don’t get on the bike/ treadmill/ stairclimber/ who cares what machine right next to someone if the next five in a row are empty, unless you know the person. Or they asked. Or you have a bona fide reason, like you have been making eyes at each other for a while (but be sure! we will most definitely write a “don’t be the guy that thinks he knows she’s making eyes at him” post at some point. Who the f*!k knows when. Not us! We don’t have an editorial calendar).

Yes, it’s January. This rule doesn’t apply. It is busy at your gym. There are back to back to back treadmills with waiting lists. But, you made a resolution and you are sticking to it, right? RIGHT?! So, come January 27th, pick a treadmill with distance. It’s just HTFAR.

3. Don’t shame people for being late to the workout. Because, you know what? They did not want to be late. They would rather be chililn on their mat, five minutes early, being present for the class. But, life f*!king happened and the conference call or babysitter ran late, a whiny child held onto a soon to be toned leg for too long, traffic was at a stand still, honestly, who the f*!k knows, but trust us. The list goes on. And on. So, just forgive. Or better yet, don’t even notice. It is better for both of you.

4. Clean your damn machine. Public health is EVERYONE’S responsibility. Seriously, it is. You never get sick? Yeah, me neither, achoo, achoo, f*!k you.

Good for you, amazing job keeping your immune system in tip top shape. You are still carrying around bugs and viruses and bacteria and your own specific type of grossness. And btw, not everyone has your immune system. Be grateful, be thoughtful. And really, don’t be an dumbass.

5. No photography. Because why? It’s the f*!king gym. Are you taking a picture of someone else? Why? See rule #1. Are you taking a selfie? Cccccccccc’mmmmmmmonnnnn! Seriously? We aren’t even going to write about this. At least not now, anyway. (Sounds like a future post might be necessary).

5. Sexual grunting and sighing during yoga is just not allowed. Just no. Gross. It is f*!king offensive that we even have to write this.

6. And speaking of yoga, don’t join the class (yoga, or any other) if you’re gonna do a crossword puzzle (true story), do some sort of interpretive dance (true story), or makeout with your partner (true story), chit chat the whole time (true story), or basically do anything but the class. You are in the class to do the class, so do it. Anything else is distracting to the other class members and rude to the instructor. Do your crossword puzzle in the locker room.

7. Still speaking of yoga, people fart, get over it. And burp. And queef. And a lot of other things, we presume. Just get over it. And if the person that farted giggles, giggle with them, in solidarity, ya know!

Just be cool. That’s it. If you wouldn’t do it in life, don’t do it at the gym. If it isn’t respectful in life, it isn’t respectful at the gym. F*!king act right.

Have we missed anything? Probably. What annoys you about your fellow gym goers? We’d love to know. And maybe there will be a part 2.

 

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Holiday | Uncategorized

Should You Share Your New Year’s Resolutions?

By on January 11, 2018
Should I Share My New Year's Resolutions?

Should I Share My New Year's Resolutions?

New Year, New You, right? You might be wondering, should you share your New Year’s resolutions?

The short answer, F*!k No.

The longer answer, probably not. Look, we all want to lose weight, take better care of ourselves, travel, read more, blah blah blah. Do you think you are the only one that plans to drink less (#DryJanuary!)? Do you really want to hear another person talking about how they are going to “enjoy life to the fullest”? No? well neither do we. So, we’ve developed a system to determine if you should share your New Year’s resolutions. Ask yourself these 5 questions, and if the answer is no, well, then, F*!k No, don’t share your New Year’s Resolutions. Simple HTFAR.

1. Is this your accountability partner?

Like, your trainer, your business partner, your coach, your therapist? Do you pay this person to keep you on track or improve your well being? If so, ask yourself question 2. If not, skip to question 3.

2. Is this their field of expertise?

Are your resolutions in their field of expertise? If your resolution is “This year, I will go to the gym 26 times a week,” and you are talking to your trainer, sure, share away. But if it is, “I won’t eat anything after 8 p.m.,” and you are talking to your business partner, skip it. “I will stop dating my ex,” to your therapist? Yes. Your accountant? No.

3. Did they Ask?

The most important question. If they didn’t ask, F*!k No!

4. Do they care?

Ok, so your brunch date just asked about your resos. Does she actually care or is she just making conversation?

5. Are you sure?

Most likely, she’s just making conversation. She already knows your resolutions. Hers are probably the same. Unless you’ve come up with something entirely unique, then she probably doesn’t care. And in that case, well, I think you get where we are going with this…

F*!k No!

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Holiday

11 New Year’s Eve Rules To Not Annoy People

By on December 31, 2017
11 New Year's Eve Rules To Not Annoy People

It’s time to ring in the new year, and you are headed to a party, a bar, a friends house, wherever. We are here to give you 11 New Year’s Eve rules to not annoy people. And not annoying people is at the top of the list of how to f*!king act right. Trust us.

  1. Bring something fun, a game, some silly glasses, horns, sparklers. But whatever you do, Do not bring confetti into someone else’s home. Just don’t do it. Unless they said the exact words, “Please bring confetti,” don’t bring it. It is a mess and you, most likely, won’t be cleaning it up the next day.
  2. NEVER (yes, NEVER) show up early. Seriously, don’t do it. They don’t want you there early. Most likely, they are running late. The only time to come early to a party is if someone specifically asks you to come early to help with setup or cooking.
  3. If you aren’t normally a drinker, cut yourself off at two. Maybe three. If you’re really tall, maybe four. Well, s*!t, who are we to talk about alcohol consumption? We don’t know. Just watch yourself. No one wants a puker. It is even more offensive than confetti. And as above, you most likely aren’t cleaning it up the next day.
  4. Bring a f*!king nice bottle for the host. You don’t need to go crazy, just something in the $15 – $20, or what you can afford/ enjoy. This is not the time for Andre. Unless you’re about 22. Then, well, I guess it’s ok.
  5. Don’t share your resolutions, unless it is part of the conversation. Look, everyone wants to get to the gym (or the yoga studio, or the track). We all want to drink more water. We want to finally lose those last ten (or first 15) pounds. Most of us want to meditate, travel more, and eat better. You too? Yeah, we thought so. Unless your resolution truly is something world changing, it’s probably not all that interesting. Save your resolutions for tomorrow’s more sober conversation with your accountability partner.
  6. Don’t f*!king drink and drive. Just don’t.
  7. Just because it is New Year’s Eve, doesn’t mean you should bare all. Show your booty or show your boobs. One. Not both. Well, unless it’s part of your job, or you’re in your 20s. And then, show it all. You’re not gonna have it forever, trust us.
  8. Just because it is New Year’s Eve, doesn’t mean you should wear shoes that make you walk like a baby deer. You have two choices. Learn how to walk in those stilettos, or pick new shoes. You just look ridiculous.
  9. Just because it’s New Year’s Eve, doesn’t mean you should dress like it’s July. In most of this country, it is f*!king cold. Put on a coat. You just look ridiculous.
  10. That brings us to the last rule of NYE wardrobe. NYE is the one day a year that it is acceptable to wear sequins, glitter, fur, sparkle, all of it! no matter what time of day it is or how old you are. We are going to a very casual family dinner, and I am wearing sequin sweats. Comfy, yes. Sparkly? that too. Today is the day to Over accessorize! Over glitter! Shine like the disco ball and sparkle like the fireworks!
  11. Have fun. Be optimistic. Smile. Kiss. Tomorrow is a new beginning.

Happy New Year! May 2018 bring you all the joy and none of the annoying bad manners of 2017.

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Holiday

Top 12 Rules of Holiday Etiquette

By on December 24, 2017
Top 12 Rules of Holiday Etiquette
Top 12 Rules of Holiday Etiquette

The holidays are the most wonderful time of the year, right? Well, sometimes. Here are HTFAR’s top 12 rules of holiday etiquette to make this season a little warmer, a little brighter.

  1. Be grateful. This is probably the most important thing you can do. Be grateful even if your grandma got you fleece lined gloves and you live in Miami. Be grateful if the server brought you hot chocolate without the booze your requested. In a traffic jam? Be grateful that you aren’t in the accident causing it. This time of year is stressful, it is a time when people’s holiday cheer isn’t there. So, just be grateful. It does more for you than the recipient of your gratitude. And it is just plain old acting right.
  2. Have extra gifts on hand. Small things like wine and lotions. You probably forgot someone, make sure you have a drawer with a few little pre-wrapped gifts and cards. You don’t want to be empty handed when someone comes over with something lovely.
  3. Have wine.
  4. And cheese. Maybe some holiday cookies. Be ready to offer them if someone stops by.
  5. Keep your ugly sweater comments to yourself. Seriously. Your third grade teacher aunt? Well, she might actually like that sweater. Unless it literally says the words, “This is my ugly sweater,” or has Jesus in a compromising position, be careful. Say something benign, like “Did you get that at Ann Taylor?” and not “benign” in the “I hate Ann Taylor and am secretly judging you kind of way.”
  6. “Ooh” over the Santa picsYes, there are so many. Yes, they are all the same. No, you don’t care. Do your friend a holiday favor and pretend. If she has a kid, she is stressed. She might have to schlep herself to Toys R Us at midnight on the 24th to pick up a Hatchimal. The least you can do is smile at her screaming kid Santa pic. Seriously, it’s the least. Someone did that for your mom, so consider it karma.
  7. Doing a holiday card? Don’t brag. Congratulations, you ran a marathon, your husband got a huge holiday bonus and your kids are without a doubt the cutest and best athletes, students, and volunteers. A humble brag is still a brag. #Blessed is still bragging. Tone it down. Otherwise, expect eye rolls and gagging. Also, expect gossip. As in, “OMG, did you read Daniel’s holiday card…” Also, use proper punctuation. As in, drop the f*&king apostrophe. Seriously. 
  8. Tip well.
  9. Do not post your gift on social media. Got engaged? Yay for you two! Don’t post that ring. Got a Mercedes with a huge bow? Not for Instagram. Your kids made you a pancake breakfast and a mess? Well… I guess there is an exception to every rule.
  10. Got a regift? Unless you plan to say, “Oh thank you so much! I love it,” don’t say anything at all.
  11. Do Regift, but cautiously and selectively. If you have something that won’t work for you, but will definitely work for someone else (that you know well), and is nicer than what you would ordinarily be able to give, by all means regift. We have received a beautiful sweater, a super comfy dress, some great toys, delicious wine, and more. And loved them all.
  12. Be Grateful. Yes, it’s on here twice. It’s that important.

What do you think are the most important holiday etiquette rules? Anything we should add?

 

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Grammar

How Do I Pluralize My Name on A Holiday Card?

By on November 21, 2017
How Do I Pluralize My Last Name for Holiday Cards?
How Do I Pluralize My Last Name for Holiday Cards?

The holidays are right around the corner, and that means Christmas music, gifts, family and friends, stress, and holiday cards! To us, There is no better (unbelievably common, and incredibly fixable) way to ruin the holiday season than when we get a card from a cousin and it is signed “Love, The Leonard’s” (well, there might be better ways, but…this still really pisses us off!). So, to bring a little more joy and a lot less irritation, we’ve written our first HTFAR Guide: How Do I Pluralize My Last Name for Holiday Cards?

So, How Do I Pluralize My Name for Holiday Cards?

You may be asking yourself, why is HTFAR discussing grammar? Well, bad grammar is bad manners. And it just makes you look dumb. So, act f**king right, and write f**king right. Simple. And remember, there are only two ways to pluralize your last name. And neither uses an apostrophe. You either add an -s or an -es. That’s it. The only way.

‘Tis The Season (For Gross Overuse of the Apostrophe)

You may be wondering if your last name needs an apostrophe? F**K NO. It does not. You may be now wondering if we are sure. YES, WE ARE F**KING SURE. When you sign a card “Love, the Leonard’s”, we think to ourselves, “The Leonard’s what? Their stray cat? Their Christmas sweater? Their ugly redheaded stepchild?” and then we realize, “No, it is the Leonard’s unnecessary apostrophe. That’s what that is. Dammit!”

So, do yourself and your loved ones a huge favor. Pluralize your last name. No apostrophe necessary. Don’t ruin the holiday spirit.

And if you’re single, maybe just sign it The Leonard. One Leonard. It has a certain confidence about it, doesn’t it. And, by the way, it also does not need an apostrophe.

Have questions? Disagree? Brush up on your grammar here or pick up a grammar guide. And trust us.

 

 

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